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IF ONLY IT WERE THIS EASY...

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WHERE'S WORKVISA?

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Click to play! (Winner gets to hire me.)

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DÍDIMA READS, PROFOUNDLY

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by linguistic enthusiast guest blogger Dan Ahern

For this week's edition of Dídima Reads: An Audiobook Series, we're featuring a classic work of linguistic genius. Sure, everybody enjoyed Spot Loves His Mommy, but we at Dídima Reads felt like it was time for a more stimulating, challenging piece of literature. We really wanted to push the boundaries of what a voice, a tone, an inflection--a reader--could bring to the rich oral tradition of auditory splendor that is the English language. You could say this one had a higher cultural purpose, even. And so, we humbly submit to you, listener, the latest in the audiobook series:

Sheep in a Jeep by Nancy Shaw

You may download this audiobook here.

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DIDIMA: THE GAME

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Gaming is the next big thing in advertising. We wanted to get onboard this trend ASAP. This was the best technological accomplishment we were capable of.

(Press play for sound)

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NEW INVENTION: THE MOOD CASE

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Mood affects your work and your relationship. Obviously you know your own mood, but maybe it's better to know somebody else's mood, and avoid some problems. In the same way that the mood ring works, completely magic, the mood case changes its color depending on a person's mood.

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THE HOLIDAY BONUS: SAN AGUSTÍN

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This guy! Amirite?!

Welcome back to The Holiday Bonus. As you know, The Holiday Bonus focuses on the best tangible benefit of hiring a Spaniard: additional holidays (and, ergo, holiday office parties). Last time we focused on Wizard Kings Day. This time we're going local. In Avilés, where Dídima comes from, it's a big day today. August 28th commemorates their patron saint, St. Augustine, and caps off a week of festival-ing.

So why a festival based around St. Augustine? Well, we can thank America for this one. See, in 1565 Pedro Menéndez was vacationing in the Caribbean and accidentally crashed into Florida. So he decided to start a city, which is now the oldest surviving European-founded city in the US. There were actually some French people there already, but he was on strict orders from the king to murder them (seriously). He royally effed up their settlement, took it over, and then killed off the Frenchies, which led to the inlet that area being named Matanzas. Which is Spanish for "slaughter" (seriously).

Menéndez needed a name for his new city though, and didn't know what to call it. Then he realized, "oh, wait, I'm super Catholic, I know." He looked up the date on his Saint Calendar (standard issue) and saw it was the feast day of San Agustín. Since he was in future-America now he used English though, and boom, St. Augustine was born. (Naming it for a saint atones for murdering 300-plus people, right? ...Right? Guys?) His exploits made Pedro Menéndez the coolest bro to come out of Avilés, so the city's patron saint accordingly became Augustine.

(seriously.)

How do Avilesinos (peeps from Avilés) celebrate nowadays? They do everything they can think of. The holiday is built around going out with your friends to the various events all week leading up to Aug. 28, like a beer festival, a livestock competition, a medieval market, concerts, sports tourneys, and kids' activities. It all ends with a sweet fireworks display (St. Augustine was a known pyro).

Avilés: the only place with fireworks and rainbows. At night.

All this begs the question, how can we turn it into an office party?

The Costumes
None required. St. Augustine just wants the people to have a good time. If you want to pay respect to the city though (and why wouldn't you, since they're hooking you up with another way to do less work in the summer), you should try for the traditional costume of the region Avilés is in, Asturias:

The pony: status symbol.

The Libations
Did we mention there was a beer fest? Also recommended is Asturias's regional specialty, sidra (which is hard apple cider). When in comes to sidra, it's not just what you're drinking, but how you're drinking it. Proper pouring is a must. Like so:

'90s long-sleeve shirt optional.

The Food
Nothing specifically, but on basically any occasion in Asturias/Spain you're going to eat some sort of dried pork sausage. The Spanish have more cured meat than Magic Johnson's head. Most of it is hard to find in the US, so nobody will be mad if you get a platter from the neighborhood Italian deli. At the beer fest in Avilés they make these sorta sub sandwiches with a bunch of exotic meats like wild boar and deer too. (Again, nobody will will discount you for putting some salami on a roll.)

The Activities
Just have a good time. In Avilés they go do fun stuff all week. So have a live performance in the office. Bring out a cured meat smorgasbord. Organize a basketball tournament against the AEs. Try to find some Mahou or San Miguel or Estrella Damm cervezas, and chill some cider. Find those leftover bottle rockets from the 4th and take them to the roof. Whatever you do, make sure it's in the name of St. Augustine. It's what he would have wanted.

(...But please, no killing French people. It's simply gone out of fashion.)

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SPANISH ART DIRECTORS PROSPECTUS 2011

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By Foreign Talent Specialist and Art Expert guest blogger Daniel J. Ahern

Good day, fine person. As you may recall from a previous post, I am an art buyer. And as such, I hardly need to remind you that my opinion in matters of taste and worth commands absolute respect and admiration.

Today I would like to lend my services to all you headhunters, recruiters, creative managers, creative directors, executive creative directors and chief creative officers out there. Being involved in such a field as you are, where talent is at a premium and instincts, style and ability cannot be replicated, it is often difficult to find the right candidate for the position of art director.

But lament not, for I endeavor to assist you. Nay, I endeavor to pretty much do all the work for you. You see, one of my areas of expertise is adjudicating Spanish talent. Therefore, for your extreme benefit, I have compiled this survey of Spanish creatives that will help you find the one you need to move your agency swiftly forward in inimitable directions. And I have included only the best.

I present, the Spanish Art Directors Prospectus 2011

Diego Velázquez

Hallmarks: Baroque movement; gifted technically; beautiful portraiture

Greatest Strength: Execution. Velázquez became very influential to realists because of his disgustingly awesome skills with the brush. Before photographers existed, either you sold a product without any models, or you got Velázquez to paint some for you.

Best Known For: Las Meninas (English: The Rich Midget-Girls), which impressively featured Velázquez himself, making it not just a recruitment poster for palace servants but also an ad for ol' Diego.

Availability: Dead.

Francisco Goya

Hallmarks: Romantic movement; boldness; political involvement; bridge between the old school and the new school

Greatest Strength: Making a statement. Goya couldn't be held down by the man. For instance, his work La Maja Desnuda (English: Majorly Nude!) was of a naked chick laying on some pillows. Since it wasn't framed in any mythical or religious context, it was the first time anybody did a nude just 'cause. It's widely believed the prase "Sex sells, bro!" is attributable to Goya.

Best Known For: El Tres de Mayo (English: The Mayonnaise Treasure). Like Velázquez, Goya's work was a recruitment poster too, but this time for the French Army, who needed volunteers to go on killing sprees in Spain. (Notably, karma was bitch for the French.)

Availability: Dead.

Pablo Picasso

Hallmarks: Just giving up and doing whatever. Which is turns out is cool.

Greatest Strength: Dynamism. Picasso started out doing real-looking stuff, but changed styles frequently. The crazier he got, the more people dug him. Considered a founder of thinking outside the box, which is fitting (or paradoxical?) as he pioneered cubism.

Best Known For: Tough to say, as Picasso played with more styles in his career than Christina Aguilera. But probably Guernica (English: AHH!). Knowing his hipster audience, Picasso ironically did Guernica in black and white even though, like, all the colors were available. It's an ad for a Bavarian summer camp, so he ironically made it about Germans bombing Spain. (Notably, karma was a bitch for the Germans.)

Availability: Dead.

Salvador Dalí

Hallmarks: Surrealist movement; crazy mustache movement; subliminal/hidden images; general craziness; being sorta full of himself

Greatest Strength: Publicity. Dalí knew how to create a "Wow!" moment, whether it was giving a lecture dressed in a diver's suit, making a dream sequence for a Hitchcock film, unveiling a mind-bending painting with hidden images, or selling books using fantastic titles like The Secret Life of Salvador Dalí and Diary of a Genius (copywriting bonus!). One time somebody beat Dalí to a cool idea for a film, so he one-upped the guy by knocking over the projector in the middle of the screening, claiming, “My idea for a film is exactly that, and I was going to propose it to someone who would pay to have it made. I never wrote it down or told anyone, but it is as if he had stolen it." His idea of intellectual property (another quote: "He stole my dreams!") evidently reached further than anybody else's, ever. Also, he made a Lobster Telephone.

Best Known For: The Persistence of Memory (English: The Persistence of Memory), a piece for a watch salesman. It's the first known ad to use the technique of arousing interest by making the product look really shitty; a method still used today by Olive Garden.

Availability: Insanely Dead.

Dídima Arrieta Martinez

Hallmarks: Blending hand-done and computer techniques; craftiness (in all senses); idea-centric work; inventiveness; layouts; hair accessories

Greatest Strength: Tenacity. Dídima widely regarded as trying and working harder than anybody else. She hates "fake" things, so even in the Photoshop age she usually prefers to use her hands somehow to come up with looks that can't be duplicated. (Techniques employed have included stenciling, sewing, Xacto-knifing, spray painting, drawing, messing with scanners/copiers, and more.) She's unsatisfied until both the idea and execution are original.

Best Known For: Although she's been In-Book (D&AD 2011) for an Aviva campaign and won an Addy for her work on Running of the Bulls (and recognized with several Student awards), there isn't a consensus opinion on her best work. I personally vote for André champagne because I happen know the writer.

Availability: Immediate (but time-restrictive). Secure her as soon as possible or you may have to wait over a year before she can return to the US. As an art expert, I highly urge you to jump on this one. Primarily because of her immense talent, but also because, for her peers, corpse reanimation is prohibitively expensive at the moment.)